I am not wanting to make any big moves from a clenched position.

I am staying with this one feeling until the next one comes along.  In the silence I unlayer.
I am tired of letting myself open my feelings for hating myself.  I would take that fervor and put it towards loving myself instead.

Like, how to love myself?
 I practice saying nice things to myself even if I'm not totally sure how I feel  like with a little kid.
I activate ways to comfort myself and not arrest myself.
"Don't make fun of me" I say "I'm trying to be sweet perform be my best self accept the hurt and longing yes longing in my voice and with my life and with my relationships and art level and sweet sweet self-sufficient emotionally     happiness.      It's with the air I breathe and within my chest.  It's when I accept my life as is. all and the inevitability balance of suffering. I find the hope discovered like a hidden letter unopened unread. 
Oh! The disappointment. There is something in it.  I sing its praises while it cracks me open like an egg shell the chalky flake crust".

My father is a stupid man and I suffer emotionally. He is lost.
My mother is a stupid woman and I suffer emotionally.  She gets lost.
And there I go always sleeping on the opposite side of the bed as my father next to my mother maybe to be away from him because he is either pervy and overly sexually focused or rough, violent, slamming cold and hard the breathe out of me the many times.

The insides of my palm pads tell me that in another universe the Indians, black and brown skinned ones, attained control early on.  In their world dominance they discovered nuclear power much, much sooner than the current white world has.  They used it...   That the whites are so delayed physically, emotionally and intellectually has proven beneficial. 

So I'm wanting to be relaxed.