Year
The Best Year of Crying so far for me has been
This Year.
I have been crying more in This Year than in most of the rest of my adult life.
I haven't been crying streams or riverbeds but the few tears that finally managed to squeeze through This Year were wet and rocky and they flooded down and tumbled off of my cheeks and chin. They rolled over me body spirit and face and they rocked my world like flooding through the village.
So far this year I have been able to cry 4 X's as much as in the previous 3 years put together and I have been able to feel sad 2 X's as much and less depressed by half.
I feel both more sad and less depressed and I am becoming a much better surfer, emotional conisseur and self-liker. I know this is so because when I am regarding myself with utter self-hatred, loathing and rejecting recoiling disgust, I see that I am regarding myself with the lowest self regard. I see it and name it as self-hate now when instead I used to see it as nothing at all. Not even there like the air it is so big so all dome ecompassing. So now it is there for me and I work with it like a tool or a toy and I ask myself, am able to ask myself, is that how I want to treat my self my life my relatioonship with my world around me and withinside me?
I would rather have some self-kindness instead. I would rather pretend to like myself than to outright treat myself with such removed coldness shouldering.
I choose to practice that that is how I treat myself and talk to myself and take care of my eating and sleeping self my little personality my little pet pony my little sweet neice my child at the grocery store beautiful and in another universe of reception. My self. My little me I say to myself I am gonna be so good to you and I don't care if that makes me gay or communist or feminist inside. My big dream is freedom from caring what others think. My big dream is letting MYSELF be the mother I never had. Let me be my own MOTHER. I am my own mother and it can never become incestuous.
This Year has become my best year for crying and I am thankful. As my own mother I say to myself 'good, good sweet little girl, let it all out that is so good for you. Its ok. You can just rest. Don't worry about what anyone is going to say. What they say doesn't matter. What matters is letting yourself live your life focused on what you do want.
I am happy wondering if it was the hope that gave me the tears, or the tears the hope?
This Year.
I have been crying more in This Year than in most of the rest of my adult life.
I haven't been crying streams or riverbeds but the few tears that finally managed to squeeze through This Year were wet and rocky and they flooded down and tumbled off of my cheeks and chin. They rolled over me body spirit and face and they rocked my world like flooding through the village.
So far this year I have been able to cry 4 X's as much as in the previous 3 years put together and I have been able to feel sad 2 X's as much and less depressed by half.
I feel both more sad and less depressed and I am becoming a much better surfer, emotional conisseur and self-liker. I know this is so because when I am regarding myself with utter self-hatred, loathing and rejecting recoiling disgust, I see that I am regarding myself with the lowest self regard. I see it and name it as self-hate now when instead I used to see it as nothing at all. Not even there like the air it is so big so all dome ecompassing. So now it is there for me and I work with it like a tool or a toy and I ask myself, am able to ask myself, is that how I want to treat my self my life my relatioonship with my world around me and withinside me?
I would rather have some self-kindness instead. I would rather pretend to like myself than to outright treat myself with such removed coldness shouldering.
I choose to practice that that is how I treat myself and talk to myself and take care of my eating and sleeping self my little personality my little pet pony my little sweet neice my child at the grocery store beautiful and in another universe of reception. My self. My little me I say to myself I am gonna be so good to you and I don't care if that makes me gay or communist or feminist inside. My big dream is freedom from caring what others think. My big dream is letting MYSELF be the mother I never had. Let me be my own MOTHER. I am my own mother and it can never become incestuous.
This Year has become my best year for crying and I am thankful. As my own mother I say to myself 'good, good sweet little girl, let it all out that is so good for you. Its ok. You can just rest. Don't worry about what anyone is going to say. What they say doesn't matter. What matters is letting yourself live your life focused on what you do want.
I am happy wondering if it was the hope that gave me the tears, or the tears the hope?
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