I want a new ward (to the tune of "I want a new drug," by Huey Lewis and the News)

I want a new ward
One that won't make me weak
One that won't turn my brain to mush
Won't make my gargoyles squeak

I want a new ward
One that won't hurt my head
One that won't make my toenails rhyme
Or grow warts on my bed

One that won't make me nervous,

wondering what I see
I hope that I'm hallucinatin' this gigantic flea

Some colossal predaceous flea

I want a new ward

One that won't bind me here

one that won't sap my lifeforce much

or make my carpet feel real queer

I want a new ward

One that won't start to fray

One that keeps all the gremlins out
And holds broom salesmen at bay

One that won't make me nervous,

wondering what I see
I hope that I'm hallucinatin' this gigantic flea

Some colossal predaceous flea

I want a new ward

One that don't take much blood

One that works in a 30-year drought

One that works in a 100-year flood

I want a new ward

One that won't give me gout

My neighbors' hens better lay

No monsters when the eggs hatch out

One that won't make me nervous,

wondering what I see
I hope that I'm hallucinatin' this gigantic flea

Some colossal predaceous flea