DOLLAR-AND-A- H AFF

Well, I'm darned! It makes me laff!
Here's old Dollar-and-a-Haff
Lookin' out across the waters like a rubber-necked giraffe!
An' the folk who thought they knew me,
And who brought their dollars to me,
Said I'd " sell my Gawd Almighty for a dollah and a haff! "

They had half forgot Bret Harte,
And Mark Twain — who made a start
With his pictures of the countries that they never saw till now;
And O. Henry and the rest
Of my bravest scribes and best —
There was little talk of " dollahs " in their writings, anyhow.

I have actors who can act —
Picture shows lo-cate that fact —
Deeper into human nature than could any " Acts " you had;
I have singers and reciters
For the best work of our writers,
While you leave yours on the dung-hill! So I ain't all " dollar-mad " .

Courage! Had it died out yet,
In patrolman or cadet,
When their lines were only broken where the derned sky-scrapers fell?
Was the old blood wanting when
My peace-army, boys and men,
Manned the streets of San Francisco rockin' on the lid of Hell!

Yes! I know the Yankee tourist
Of world-travellers was the poorest,
With the Eagle always screaming on his deck-chair, rugs and such;
But when I get on the water,
Fixed up with my tools of slaughter,
And a cause worth half-a-dollar — shall the eagle scream? Not much.

" Good Americans, " they said,
" Go to Paris when they're dead; "
But I'm going there tomorrow — and a little further too:
To the Hell that lies beyond —
You cheer up and don't despond,
For, in spite of all his " dollahs " , Uncle Sam'll pull you through.

Britishers! Your glasses fill!
Here's to you! 'n' Bunker's Hill!
(Gettysburg shall be forgotten; and the cherished little hates
Be as dead as Waterloo) —
And with brooms as good as new,
We will have a great Spring cleanin' of the World's United States.