On the question of behaviour when At Table
There is much that proves perplexing to the mind;
Should we eat, that is, as much as we are able?
Should we drink as much as Nature feels inclined?
Is it right to use a spoon to swallow curry?
Is it wrong to use a knife for eating cheese?
There is scope for much embarrassment and worry
In such knotty points as these.

Of the business of eating and of drinking —
Which are separate, distinctive, well-defined —
There is no one but must acquiesce in thinking
That these functions should by no means be combined ;
Since the man who fills his mouth with beef or pheasant,
And proceeds to sluice it down with bitter beer,
Is a person whom at meals it isn't pleasant
For his fellows to sit near.

Save for purposes of casual conversation,
You should always keep your mouth shut when you chew,
For the processes of oral mastication
Are not suitable for popular review;
And it shows a lack of manners or of breeding
To make noises like an infant with the croup,
Or adopt a loud and blatant mode of feeding,
When ingurgitating soup.

Then, again, we do not need to be instructed
That our victuals must not ever be inhaled ,
And that no one who is properly conducted
Will be guilty of the scandal thus entailed,
When a burst of unpremeditated laughter
Sends the glass of rare old port that you imbibe
Coursing lungwards — and the scene that follows after
'Twere not fitting to describe!

Let me tell you of my favourite Aunt Anna,
Who (though eighty) is alert and full of fun;
She inhaled the greater part of a banana,
When at luncheon once I chanced to make a pun.
All in vain the doctors probed and ordered massage,
My relation is deprived of half a lung,
For the plantain in her pulmonary passage
Is imbedded like a bung!

If you seek a second helping from the " slavey, "
Should you leave the knife and fork upon your plate —
When the handles will be smeared with grease and gravy —
Or retain them in your clutches while you wait?
O my Readers, pray be open to persuasion,
And admit (what I have preached for many years)
That the knife and fork, on ev'ry such occasion,
Should be placed behind the ears .

If asparagus or artichokes be handed,
Do not view them with a terror-stricken eye,
Nor permit yourself a coward to be branded
By allowing such a dish to pass you by.
Ev'ry stick (or leaf), when dipt in melted butter,
Should be held between the finger-tips with grace,
And then flung, without a tremor or a flutter,
Through the port-hole of your face.

Never scatter bits of food upon your clothing;
Never harbour mashed potatoes in your beard;
You will find that people gaze at you with loathing,
If some spinach to your eyebrow has adhered.
Last of all (I mean it kindly, Gentle Reader),
If you cannot keep your fingers off a bone —
If, in fact, you are a gross or careless feeder —
You had better feed alone!