" Don't they consult the " Victims," though? "
I said. " They should, by rights,
Give them a chance — because, you know,
The tastes of people differ so,
Especially in Sprites. "

The Phantom shook his head and smiled.
" Consult them? Not a bit!
'Twould be a job to drive one wild,
To satisfy one single child —
There 'd be no end to it! "

" Of course you can't leave children free, "
Said I, " to pick and choose:
But, in the case of men like me,
I think " Mine Host" might fairly be
Allowed to state his views. "

He said " It really wouldn't pay —
Folk are so full of fancies.
We visit for a single day,
And whether then we go, or stay,
Depends on circumstances.

" And, though we don't consult " Mine Host"
Before the thing 's arranged,
Still, if he often quits his post,
Or is not a well-mannered Ghost,
Then you can have him changed.

" But if the host 's a man like you —
I mean a man of sense;
And if the house is not too new — "
" Why, what has that , " said I, " to do
With Ghost's convenience? "

" A new house does not suit, you know —
It 's such a job to trim it:
But, after twenty years or so,
The wainscotings begin to go,
So twenty is the limit. "

" To trim " was not a phrase I could
Remember having heard:
" Perhaps, " I said, " you 'll be so good
As tell me what is understood
Exactly by that word? "

" It means the loosening all the doors, "
The Ghost replied, and laughed:
" It means the drilling holes by scores
In all the skirting-boards and floors,
To make a thorough draught.

" You 'll sometimes find that one or two
Are all you really need
To let the wind come whistling through —
But here there 'll be a lot to do! "
I faintly gasped " Indeed!

" If I 'd been rather later, I 'll
Be bound, " I added, trying
(Most unsuccessfully) to smile,
" You 'd have been busy all this while,
Trimming and beautifying? "

" Why, no, " said he; " perhaps I should
Have stayed another minute —
But still no Ghost, that 's any good,
Without an introduction would
Have ventured to begin it.

" The proper thing, as you were late,
Was certainly to go:
But, with the roads in such a state,
I got the Knight-Mayor's leave to wait
For half an hour or so. "

" Who 's the Knight-Mayor? " I cried. Instead
Of answering my question,
" Well, if you don't know that , " he said,
" Either you never go to bed,
Or you 've a grand digestion!

" He goes about and sits on folk
That eat too much at night:
His duties are to pinch, and poke,
And squeeze them till they nearly choke. "
(I said " It serves them right! " )

" And folk who sup on things like these — "
He muttered, " eggs and bacon —
Lobster — and duck — and toasted cheese —
If they don't get an awful squeeze,
I'm very much mistaken!

" He is immensely fat, and so
Well suits the occupation:
In point of fact, if you must know,
We used to call him years ago,
The Mayor and Corporation!

" The day he was elected Mayor
I know that every Sprite meant
To vote for me , but did not dare —
He was so frantic with despair
And furious with excitement.

" When it was over, for a whim,
He ran to tell the King;
And being the reverse of slim,
A two-mile trot was not for him
A very easy thing.

" So, to reward him for his run
(As it was baking hot,
And he was over twenty stone),
The King proceeded, half in fun,
To knight him on the spot. "

" 'Twas a great liberty to take! "
(I fired up like a rocket.)
" He did it just for punning's sake:
" The man," says Johnson, " that would make
A pun, would pick a pocket!" "

" A man, " said he, " is not a King. "
I argued for a while,
And did my best to prove the thing —
The Phantom merely listening
With a contemptuous smile.

At last, when, breath and patience spent,
I had recourse to smoking —
" Your aim , " he said, " is excellent:
But — when you call it argument —
Of course you 're only joking? "

Stung by his cold and snaky eye,
I roused myself at length
To say, " At least I do defy
The veriest sceptic to deny
That union is strength! "

" That's true enough, " said he, " yet stay — "
I listened in all meekness —
" Union is strength, I 'm bound to say;
In fact, the thing 's as clear as day;
But onions are a weakness. "