Said the Englishman: " W'at's all this bloomin' wow? "
An w'ere is Chicago, anyhow?
I've 'eard abeout yo'r Columbian show;
An' abeout yo'r Columbus, don' cher know!
The Prince infawmed me that 'e was the cove
Who discovahd yo'r blawsted ceountry, bah Jove!
An' cwossed the wahtaw, His 'Ighness tells,
In three little chocolate caramels! "

Then Italy spoke: " Greata beega show!
I sella da banan', catch da mon' to go!
I tella da peopl' I wasa descend
From Colombo; dey scratcha da nose on da end!
Man Christof Colomb' was a greata man:
He discova da world for d' American.
But they draga to preeson, chain lika da dog,
When Is'bella find out he discova Chicag'! "

" Hoot, lad! I'm fra Scootlan', but canna find oot,
Fra yer garlicky tongue what ye're ta'kin' aboot!
Ef ye canna spak English, an' spak withoot flaw,
As I do mysel', dinna spak it at a'!
Ye'll not mak' musicians by turnin' a crank;
Till ye learn on the bagpipe ye'll niver take rank.
To discoover the counthree, Columbus did well,
But ye're sp'ilin' it a', comin' over yersel'! "

" Wal, I'm from the wild an' the woolly West;
An' thar's jist one thing I wanter suggest:
That yo' call this y'ar the Chicago Fair,
An' not the Corlumbian! Neow take care!
Fur this is the biggest city on earth,
Ef yo' take it in height, er take it in girth;
We're growin' so fast we've got ter make
A petition that Providence move the lake. "

" You vas beat the veorld! " said the traveling Jew;
" You vas on der beat — I vas onto you!
It vas called der " Vindy Cidy," I know,
Because der beoble vas on der blow.
Der greatest cidy for hogs un' porok!
Dat's vy der Hebrew remains in Ny-Yorok.
I discover dis fact ven I pays my bill —
You vas keep some hogs vich you neffer kill! "

" It's wuth a heap, stranger, 'twixt me an' yeou,
A-gittin' the best of a New York Jew!
We've got the push, an' we've got the go;
An' we're showin' New York how a city should grow.
We taught them dude Knickerbockers a trick
By gittin' the Fair, an' a-gittin' 'er slick;
An' a-bringin' 'er up to the present stage —
'Twas the greatest feat of the modern age! "

Said Patrick: " I've heard all about yer big feet!
But Oi'll not mintion that ef ye'll promise to treat!
They charged me fur wather out here at the Fair;
Oi've been howldin' me breath lest they charge me fur air.
But why they should wish to be fillin' the land
Wid those half-grown Oitalians, I can't understhand;
They discovered the counthry at others' expinse;
But they niver discovered a single thing since. "

" You'll excuse me, Cunnel, ef I use my mouf,
I'se a cullud gemman fum away down Souf.
I was nuffin' but a niggah befo' de wah;
But now I rides in de palace caw!
Who say Marse C'lumbus done 'scovah dees earf?
Don' yo' know dey was Injuns heah on de turf,
A-raisin' terbac' an' de Injun cawn,
Befo' Marse C'lumbus he gwine to be bawn. "

" I'm ze French gentlemon'! I come ovair to see
Ze Fair, an' ze statue of French Libairtee:
I ask ze bronze Lady, weez smile debonair,
Vich enlighten ze voorld an' ze way to ze Fair,
How she like ze great peopal? Vair well, but, my face,
Turn black 'ven I try me to speak ze Englais!
Mon Dieu! what a countree zes would have become
Ef discovair by Frenchman instead of Colomb'! "

" Me heap sabe you! You heap sabe me,
Me Melican-citizen-heathen-Chinee:
Me heap sabe C'lumbus; him velley smart man —
No sabe lay egg — heap sabe makee stan'.
Heap sabe George Washman; him velley lenoun';
No likee climb chelly tlee, heap cut 'em down.
Me alle same " Washman," him " Georgee," me " John,"
Him tellee no lie, gottee pigtail on. "